Just Like Mom

I wrote this play as a challenge to myself. I was used to writing comedies, but they were always light, mostly children’s theatre. I’d never written a dark comedy before and seen/read very few. So I read and watched, then set to work. I have some moral qualms with it, especially the ending, but it is what it is, purely entertainment, and not a license to “go and do likewise.” It received its first staged reading with an audience at the University of Tulsa in December 2007. May there be many more!

Just Like Mom
A Play in One Act

Scene Two

Everyone is sitting around the table. Jenny, Charlotte’s skanky mother, is laughing. Throughout the scene, Jenny’s boyfriend Sonny is completely oblivious to Jenny flirting with Manny, Charlotte’s boyfriend.

JENNY
Oh, Manny, you’re so funny! You remind me of a guy I dated for the Halloween Spook athon my senior year in high school!

Charlotte stands and looks to SL. Spotlight goes off on table and onto a younger version of Jenny, dressed as Charlotte, flouncing onto SL. She is being chased by a boy dressed like Manny. He has his arms outstretched like a zombie and is chanting “sex, sex.” Jenny is eating this up, staying just out of arms’ reach.

Spot goes off on young couple and illuminates dinner table. Charlotte is now sitting.

JENNY
He was dead on! So Manny, what do you do for a good time?

Charlotte stands again. She looks over to SL where she sees:
Fantasy Manny humping fantasy Jenny. It is faster and more vigorous than when he did it to fantasy Charlotte, and Jenny’s squeaks of ecstasy are much louder.

Spot back on Charlotte. She turns to her mother.

CHARLOTTE
(frantic, trying to change the subject) What’s for desert?

JENNY
I made a special treat! Manny, since you’re such a good boy, would you help me get it out of the oven?

Manny leaps up in excitement. Both exit, ignoring Charlotte’s protests. Charlotte sits back in chair with her arms crossed, frustrated to tears.

CHARLOTTE
This always happens. Every time I bring home a new boyfriend, Mom just…steals him!

SONNY
(innocent) Most people don’t realize it, but jealousy is a common cause of sexual confidence disorders. If a man or woman thinks that a competitor can perform better than him or her sexually, his or her own ability diminishes.

Charlotte stares at Sonny. On SL, spotlight swivels to a fantasy version of Charlotte and Jenny competing in a cherry pie contest. Both wheel out their pies on giant platters. Jenny’s pie is at least twice as big as Charlotte’s. Charlotte’s has a large red cherry on top (a red balloon). Jenny reaches over and pops Charlotte’s cherry.

Real Charlotte shakes her head and the spotlight jerks back to her.

CHARLOTTE
That’s nice, Sonny.

Scene Three

Several hours latter. Charlotte and Sonny are still sitting at the kitchen table, alone. Charlotte is reading a play. A wardrobe stands on CS.

SONNY
It’s been three hours. Where do you suppose your mom is?

CHARLOTTE
Probably still “cooking” with Manny.

SONNY
Must be something really tasty, then. (Beat.) What are you reading?

CHARLOTTE
Just a play. My high school theater class is putting it on.

SONNY
What part do you want?

CHARLOTTE
I don’t know. I really hate theater, all the drama and passion that goes on back stage.

Real Charlotte freezes as fantasy Charlotte and fantasy Sonny enter SL. Fantasy Charlotte gestures seductively for fantasy Sonny to follow her into the wardrobe on CS, closer to reality.

CHARLOTTE (CONT)
The only reason I’m in the class is because Mom thought it’d be “good for me.” I really want to go to college, but the only way she’ll pay a penny is if I study acting. That’s what she wanted to do. I don’t know what would make her happier, me succeeding as an actress, or failing. Beat. I’d much rather do something academically impressive. Like English or Science. Beat. Wardrobe containing fantasy Charlotte and Sonny begins to rock back and forth with their passion. What part do you think I should play? I mean in general. What role would I be good at?

SONNY
Out of any in the world?

CHARLOTTE
Yeah.

SONNY
(shrugs) Lady Macbeth?

JENNY
Here we are! Upside down fruitcake!

Jenny enters energetically, carrying a giant platter of charred cake. Manny trails behind, exhausted, but with a drunk-happy look about him. Charlotte does a double take. Something’s not right.

JENNY
Well, it’s a bit burned. Maybe the dog will—

CHARLOTTE
Are you wearing my clothes?

JENNY
What? No, I—

CHARLOTTE
I’m sure of it. (fingering pants) These are my black slacks. (fingering sweater) And my cashmere. (pointing to shoes) And my heels!
JENNY
(calmly) I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve had these clothes for years. You’re just jealous because your mother dresses better than you. (to room at large) So, let’s talk about sleeping arrangements. I assume both you gentlemen are staying the night? (without waiting for response) Perfect! Charlotte, I think you should give up your bed to Manny. Sonny, you can have my room.

CHARLOTTE
Mom, I think it’s best if they go—

JENNY
Charlotte, what poor hospitality! I can’t believe I raised you. One night on the couch is not going to hurt you.

CHARLOTTE
If I’m on the couch, where are you sleeping?

JENNY
I’ll manage. Come along, Manny, I’ll show you to your room.

SONNY
I’ll manage on my own then. Thank you for the lovely feed.

Jenny exits SR with Manny, Sonny SL. Charlotte stands, dumbfounded, sputtering in the direction Manny and her mother went.

CHARLOTTE
But, but this isn’t fair! Don’t I get— Isn’t there— (shouting) He’s my boyfriend; I should get to sleep with him!

Suddenly the two fantasy characters in the wardrobe burst out and start tap dancing around Charlotte. She is terrified, watching as their dance becomes more and more frenzied. They grab her and start to spin her round and round.

BLACK OUT.

CHARLOTTE
(calling) Oh, Soooonny!

CLAP OF THUNDER

In the Shadow Realm

This is an excerpt from my children's fantasy short story, "In the Shadow Realm." It's being published by Story Station in a few weeks and Beyond Centauri in July 2008. If you want to read the rest at that time, you can find it at http://www.viatouch.com/Learn/Storystation/Storystation_main.jsp or you can purchase a copy from http://www.genremall.com/zines.htm.

To read more about the conception of this story, check under the "In the Shadow Realm" news links on the home page.

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IN THE SHADOW REALM

No sun dared shine in the Shadow Realm— the only light came from the weird reverse shadows cast by the trees. But my watch read 4:57 by the time I reached the castle, and I knew the sun would set about 6:00. Shadows disappear after sun down, and since I had taken my shadow’s place…I had to hurry!

A moat surrounded the castle, the water black like oil, with a rickety bridge leading across it. Did the king throw people in there he didn’t like? I gulped and closed my eyes, trying not to think of the nasty things that might be swimming in the moat as I stepped onto the bridge. Snap! I sipped and dangled from a broken board. I knew better than to look down, but I did anyway. A giant fish leaped out of the water, mouth opened wide. Screaming, I swung back onto the bridge just in time. I didn’t wait for the fish to try again. I scrambled across and collapsed on the coarse, black grass, gasping.

When I could breathe again, I opened my eyes and stared at a small wooden door covered with vines. It wasn’t locked; I peaked inside. The hallway looked empty, so I dashed towards the wall and flattened myself against it. I saw a flight of stairs and followed them until I found myself before a set of giant oak double doors, smooth and polished with silver worked into the handles. Holding my breath, I knocked. The sound rang through the corridor, but there was no response. I knocked again. Still nothing.

Crossing my fingers, I pushed open the doors. A long, narrow hall with a dark red carpet led up to a golden throne on a white marble stage. A lion’s head on top of the throne roared silently at me, its ruby eyes seeming to burn holes through my T-shirt. The rest of the room looked more like a dungeon than a palace. Nothing but gray stone walls and unpolished suits of armor, standing in rows. The black flames dancing in the carved-out fireplaces seemed to radiate cold rather than heat.

I made my way slowly down the red carpet, eyeing the armor. Something was wrong with it. For one thing, it was shaped funny, too tall and too skinny like the Mannerism art we were studying in history. And something made it seem…alive. I told myself I was imagining things, just being wussy.

I got to the throne and didn’t know what else to do, so I sat in it. All at once the armor sprang to life, coming at me with swords drawn. I leaped off the throne and tried to run, but the armor surrounded me. The faint sound of tapping came from behind me and I spun around to see a skinny man slinking up the stairs underneath the marble stage. He looked like a freak, ten feet tall and fuzzy as a late afternoon shadow. Then I realized the suits of armor weren’t moving on their own. Inside were people who looked stretched like taffy in a taffy maker. I raised my hand in front of me to protect myself and gasped when I saw it. I touched my arms, my legs, my face. I still felt the same, but I looked like the shadow people!

The king watched as the armor slowly closed in, their swords raised to kill.