Just Like Mom

I wrote this play as a challenge to myself. I was used to writing comedies, but they were always light, mostly children’s theatre. I’d never written a dark comedy before and seen/read very few. So I read and watched, then set to work. I have some moral qualms with it, especially the ending, but it is what it is, purely entertainment, and not a license to “go and do likewise.” It received its first staged reading with an audience at the University of Tulsa in December 2007. May there be many more!

Just Like Mom
A Play in One Act

Scene Two

Everyone is sitting around the table. Jenny, Charlotte’s skanky mother, is laughing. Throughout the scene, Jenny’s boyfriend Sonny is completely oblivious to Jenny flirting with Manny, Charlotte’s boyfriend.

JENNY
Oh, Manny, you’re so funny! You remind me of a guy I dated for the Halloween Spook athon my senior year in high school!

Charlotte stands and looks to SL. Spotlight goes off on table and onto a younger version of Jenny, dressed as Charlotte, flouncing onto SL. She is being chased by a boy dressed like Manny. He has his arms outstretched like a zombie and is chanting “sex, sex.” Jenny is eating this up, staying just out of arms’ reach.

Spot goes off on young couple and illuminates dinner table. Charlotte is now sitting.

JENNY
He was dead on! So Manny, what do you do for a good time?

Charlotte stands again. She looks over to SL where she sees:
Fantasy Manny humping fantasy Jenny. It is faster and more vigorous than when he did it to fantasy Charlotte, and Jenny’s squeaks of ecstasy are much louder.

Spot back on Charlotte. She turns to her mother.

CHARLOTTE
(frantic, trying to change the subject) What’s for desert?

JENNY
I made a special treat! Manny, since you’re such a good boy, would you help me get it out of the oven?

Manny leaps up in excitement. Both exit, ignoring Charlotte’s protests. Charlotte sits back in chair with her arms crossed, frustrated to tears.

CHARLOTTE
This always happens. Every time I bring home a new boyfriend, Mom just…steals him!

SONNY
(innocent) Most people don’t realize it, but jealousy is a common cause of sexual confidence disorders. If a man or woman thinks that a competitor can perform better than him or her sexually, his or her own ability diminishes.

Charlotte stares at Sonny. On SL, spotlight swivels to a fantasy version of Charlotte and Jenny competing in a cherry pie contest. Both wheel out their pies on giant platters. Jenny’s pie is at least twice as big as Charlotte’s. Charlotte’s has a large red cherry on top (a red balloon). Jenny reaches over and pops Charlotte’s cherry.

Real Charlotte shakes her head and the spotlight jerks back to her.

CHARLOTTE
That’s nice, Sonny.

Scene Three

Several hours latter. Charlotte and Sonny are still sitting at the kitchen table, alone. Charlotte is reading a play. A wardrobe stands on CS.

SONNY
It’s been three hours. Where do you suppose your mom is?

CHARLOTTE
Probably still “cooking” with Manny.

SONNY
Must be something really tasty, then. (Beat.) What are you reading?

CHARLOTTE
Just a play. My high school theater class is putting it on.

SONNY
What part do you want?

CHARLOTTE
I don’t know. I really hate theater, all the drama and passion that goes on back stage.

Real Charlotte freezes as fantasy Charlotte and fantasy Sonny enter SL. Fantasy Charlotte gestures seductively for fantasy Sonny to follow her into the wardrobe on CS, closer to reality.

CHARLOTTE (CONT)
The only reason I’m in the class is because Mom thought it’d be “good for me.” I really want to go to college, but the only way she’ll pay a penny is if I study acting. That’s what she wanted to do. I don’t know what would make her happier, me succeeding as an actress, or failing. Beat. I’d much rather do something academically impressive. Like English or Science. Beat. Wardrobe containing fantasy Charlotte and Sonny begins to rock back and forth with their passion. What part do you think I should play? I mean in general. What role would I be good at?

SONNY
Out of any in the world?

CHARLOTTE
Yeah.

SONNY
(shrugs) Lady Macbeth?

JENNY
Here we are! Upside down fruitcake!

Jenny enters energetically, carrying a giant platter of charred cake. Manny trails behind, exhausted, but with a drunk-happy look about him. Charlotte does a double take. Something’s not right.

JENNY
Well, it’s a bit burned. Maybe the dog will—

CHARLOTTE
Are you wearing my clothes?

JENNY
What? No, I—

CHARLOTTE
I’m sure of it. (fingering pants) These are my black slacks. (fingering sweater) And my cashmere. (pointing to shoes) And my heels!
JENNY
(calmly) I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve had these clothes for years. You’re just jealous because your mother dresses better than you. (to room at large) So, let’s talk about sleeping arrangements. I assume both you gentlemen are staying the night? (without waiting for response) Perfect! Charlotte, I think you should give up your bed to Manny. Sonny, you can have my room.

CHARLOTTE
Mom, I think it’s best if they go—

JENNY
Charlotte, what poor hospitality! I can’t believe I raised you. One night on the couch is not going to hurt you.

CHARLOTTE
If I’m on the couch, where are you sleeping?

JENNY
I’ll manage. Come along, Manny, I’ll show you to your room.

SONNY
I’ll manage on my own then. Thank you for the lovely feed.

Jenny exits SR with Manny, Sonny SL. Charlotte stands, dumbfounded, sputtering in the direction Manny and her mother went.

CHARLOTTE
But, but this isn’t fair! Don’t I get— Isn’t there— (shouting) He’s my boyfriend; I should get to sleep with him!

Suddenly the two fantasy characters in the wardrobe burst out and start tap dancing around Charlotte. She is terrified, watching as their dance becomes more and more frenzied. They grab her and start to spin her round and round.

BLACK OUT.

CHARLOTTE
(calling) Oh, Soooonny!

CLAP OF THUNDER